Welcome back once again to another season of Weth’s Summer Haiku Madness Contest Series! For those not yet versed in these proceedings, this is Weth’s perennial method for redistributing prizes that Weth has won, but for whatever reason have not been incorporated into Weth’s life.
So how might you garner some of these various items that Weth has won? Simple enough – compose a haiku, that being a form of poetry composed of three lines in a five-seven-five syllabic pattern and send it to Weth! It helps if your entry is clever, indirectly pertains to the prize in question, or ideally both.
This season, there are twenty-two fabulous Contests listed below! Some offer a single prize, for some there is a class of item that Weth has multiples of, and yet other Contests offer more of an opportunity than a single physical prize. For each prize listed, Weth offers you a basic description of the item, as well as an attempt at explicating why Weth has failed to incorporate this wonderful item into Weth’s life. To enter for any give prize, just write a haiku that obliquely references that prize and send it to Weth! Please note that you may submit only one entry a day, so choose which contests you wish to enter carefully.
Weth will forward all qualified entries to Weth’s Celebrity Panel of Judges, who will select the winning entries sometime after summer’s end. Weth’s Celebrity Panel of Judges does reserve the right to end any contest early and award the prize, should a particularly splendid entry come along, so enter early and often! Please review the Official Rules for complete details.
Start sending in your haiku entries today and perhaps you might - Win With Weth!
~ Weth ~
P R I Z E S
Contest #1 – Pandora’s Apron
Prize Description: it appears to be a full-length, cotton kitchen apron; it’s a muted, grey-ish pink with darker trim and two front pockets. On the front in black font it says “PANDORA™ - Unforgettable Moments”
Weth’s Explication: Doesn’t “Pandora’s apron” sound like some kind of weird euphemism? Weth is reticent to use this item, as Weth might “release all evils upon mankind” whilst in the kitchen.
Contest #2 – a Pancake Creator
Prize Description: it’s this long plastic container thing, sort of like an elongated water bottle with a dual nozzle on the top. The instructions ask that you POUR in pancake mix, SHAKE, and then CREATE “unique pancakes.” The image they show is someone making a pancake to look like the face of a pig. The instructions are also in French. Batter not included.
Weth’s Explication: This device presents so much pressure to be creative whilst cooking. Shouldn’t pancakes be pretty little circles anyway? Could a vegetarian eat a pig pancake?
Contest #3 – Sweet Potato Pie flavored tea
Prize Description: it’s a little 50g sealed Mylar bag; it says that the ingredients are “Black Tea. Sweet Potato. Flavors.”
Weth’s Explication: This was in an otherwise lovely gift basket of delicious Lupicia teas. Why Lupicia thought that putting yam into tea was a good idea, though, is beyond Weth.
Contest #4 – a “Home Diffuser”
Prize Description: it’s a box, marked “Casa di Francesca – Home Diffuser – home for the holidays”. It says that it contains “a beautiful Italian glass diffuser bottle with a separate plastic bottle containing a delightful Casa di Francesca fragrance.” It also contains “sticks”. To use this thing, you apparently pour the fragrance into the “beautiful Italian glass diffuser bottle,” then “insert sticks.”
Weth’s Explication: This just looks like a messy odor accident waiting to happen.
Contest #5 – Volumizer Spray
Prize Description: it’s a 125 ml spray can of “phytovolume actif volumizer spray.” It’s for “cheveaux fins sans volume.” To use, “spray generously onto wet hair, especially on the roots, before blow drying or setting.”
Weth’s Explication: Although Weth arguably needs a higher volume of hair, Weth fears that Weth would look like a Centauri if Weth used this product.
Contest #6 – a Spa gift certificate
Prize Description: it’s a little plastic credit card thingy; it’s supposedly good for $50 in spa services at any green tangerine location (two in MA, two in CT). They include a price list – just for reference, $50 could get you any one of the following: a half hour of Traditional Swedish Massage, an Awakening Pedicure, or hair removal for either both underarms or a half leg.
Weth’s Explication: Spas as such total scams. Oh sure, they seem all innocent and nice, but once they get you in there and get you all relaxed, then they start asking questions like “So would you like the supplemental seaweed wrap with hot stone massage?” Hours later, you’ve spent hundreds more than you planned. Weth doesn’t need that grief.
Contest #7 – a Sullivan Tire gift card
Prize Description: it’s a little plastic credit card thingy; it has an image of a tire on the front. It’s apparently good for $25 worth of goods or services at Sullivan Tire.
Weth’s Explication: Weth lives quite close to Weth’s automotive dealer, as well as two tire stores, so Weth is unlikely to drive a great distance just to use this. Weth has great respect, however, for Sullivan Tire; they hired that adorable Dustin Pedroia to be their spokesperson, so they must be nice people.
Contest #8 – a Fandango gift card
Prize Description: it’s a little plastic credit card thingy. There’s a picture of two tickets on it. Weth isn’t sure, but Weth thinks it is for $15 with Fandango.
Weth’s Explication: Weth just isn’t a movie person
Contest #9 – a signed Mad Fisherman DVD
Prize Description: it’s a DVD in a DVD case – “Charlie Moore Outdoors – The Mad Fisherman’s Hat Trick” with special guests Bobby Orr, Cam Neely, and Ray Borque. Includes “bonus bloopers.” The inside of the case is signed by the Mad Fisherman himself.
Weth’s Explication: Weth is an advocate for sane fishing.
Contest #10 – Michael Jackson “The Experience”
Prize Description: it’s a DVD game thingy inside a case. It’s for Xbox360 and requires a Kinect. NTSC. Neither Xbox nor Kinect are included.
Weth’s Explication: Weth would rather remain a Michael Jackson novice.
Contest #11 – a Motorola Hint QA30
Prize Description: it’s a little flippy phone thingy. It’s apparently tied somehow to Metro PCS.
Weth’s Explication: Weth is hobnobbing with Siri; Weth don’t need no Hint.
Contest #12 – Xevox Battle Figure Kit
Prize Description: it’s a set of odd-looking plastic parts that one can apparently use to assemble Razorclaw, which is a “night guard for the Meta-Beast™ Village.” There’s some kind of electronic component, in that the kit also comes with a Power Glyph™ that you can use to form a Battle Helix™.
Weth’s Explication: This looks to be one of those Magic the Gathering™ pyramid-scheme sort of toys, where they get you hooked on some kind of overarching goal until you’re helplessly buying every darn box in hopes of getting the right Power Glyph™. Weth can do without that sort of petty addiction.
Contest #13 – the Futurama edition of Monopoly
Prize Description: it’s the board game Monopoly (you know – go around the square, buy properties, build houses, collect rent, avoid jail, that sort of thing) except that all of the spaces and cards and tokens are all Futurama-themed. For instance, instead of Community Chest and Chance cards, there’s Attention Puny Humans and Good News, Everyone! cards.
Weth’s Explication: Weth would keep this just to have and display the Bender token, but would likely never use it in toto, as Monopoly always takes forever to play. Perhaps this should go to someone who would actually use it.
Contest #14 – Ryan Newman Adult Racing Collectible
Prize Description: it’s a “1:24 Scale Stock Car,” so it’s a little replica of the 2010 Impala that Ryan Newman drives in NASCAR competition. The packaging calls it a “Limited Edition Adult Collectible.” There’s a cool NASCAR hologram on the packaging.
Weth’s Explication: Weth isn’t sure what makes this “adult,” as there doesn’t seem to be any dirty pictures or naughty words on it. Perhaps it may be an “adult toy,” but if so then this is sort of a weird one; Weth isn’t quite sure how one would pleasure oneself with it…
Prize #15 – a Speed Chute
Prize Description: it’s a SKLZ Resistance Training 54” Parachute. It has a little belt, and you put it on before you run to slow you down – “provides progressive resistance – approx. 15-30 lbs depending on speed” It says several times on the box “WARNING – This product is not a parachute and should not be used for any activities such as jumping, gliding or free-falling.”
Weth’s Explication: Weth didn’t directly win this; Weth won a gift card to a sporting goods store. Weth got this for Weth’s Running Partner, who is smaller and faster than Weth, with the hope that it might slow Weth’s Running Partner down to Weth’s speed. Apparently this thing is for sprinters, though, as it sort of hung limply off of Weth’s Running Partner back at jogging speeds. Weth gets enough of a drag from gravity to need this item.
Contest #16 – Red Sox Warm Up Jerseys
Prize Description: they’re long-sleeve, partially meshed shirts. They’re mostly white, with dark blue sleeves. There’s a Red Sox “B” on the right chest. “Genuine Merchandise / Made in China;” Weth can’t find anything stating the material of the shirts, but they feel synthetic, probably Rayon. The bag has a little MLB hologram on it. Weth has these in both Medium and Large sizes.
Weth’s Explication: Warm up? Weth don’t need to warm up! Weth is already red hot, baby!
Contest #17 – a New England Patriots prize package
Prize Description: two components, being (1) a “car flag” that you apparently attach to your window, it has “Two Sided Graphics” showing the word PATRIOTS on one side and the swoopy patriot guy on the other; (2) a dark blue cap (“100% Cotton / Made in China”); embroidered on the front in red/white/blue is the swoopy patriot guy, but he’s wearing headphones, and embroidered on the back are the words “Safety Insurance” in white.
Weth’s Explication: Weth prefers to show support for the local professional sports teams in more subtle, less overt methods.
Contest #18 – a Cooler signed by Baron Davis
Prize Description: it’s a large blue plastic cylindrical cooler; five gallon capacity, with two handles and large POWERADE logos on two sides. The top has something scrawled on it in silver permanent marker; Weth is told by the sponsor that this is the signature of Baron Davis. He’s a basketball player, most recently with the New York Knicks.
Weth’s Explication: Speaking of cooler, how cool would it be to be named “Baron?” That would be pretty darn cool, let Weth tell you.
Contest #19 – T-Shirts from beverage companies
Prize Description: Weth has, like, over a dozen T-shirts, all of which advertise some kind of beverage. The sizes and colors vary, as do the beverages advertised – chocolate milk, rum, brandy, as well as assorted beer and cola brands. Weth has not worn these shirts, although that could be arranged if you’re into that.
Weth’s Explication: Weth already has more T-shirts than Weth knows what to do with; besides, Weth would rather advertise a local band than a beverage. Please note that if any of these shirts are left at the end of this contest, they will be donated to a shelter.
Contest #20 – Grab Bag
Prize Description: Sometimes Weth gets tiny little prizes, or things ancillary to a main prize, which don’t really merit contests in and of themselves. This is an opportunity for Weth to gather and disburse with such miniscule things. Grab Bags may possibly include (but are not limited to) keychains, buttons, stickers, coupons, cosmetic samples, tiddlywinks, athletic trading cards, thundersticks, and other assorted cultural ephemera.
Enter contest 20
Contest #21 – Wild Card
Prize Description: This is your opportunity to go crazy, and perhaps ask for something specific. Perhaps Weth may comply with your zany request, as perhaps Weth may have serendipitously won something recently that pertains thematically to your haiku entry.
Enter contest 21
Contest #22 – A Big Day With Weth
Prize Description: This is an opportunity to spend the day with Weth. Travel to Weth not included; Weth subject to availability. The contents of your Big Day may vary, but it’s likely that you will hang out with Weth, do fun activities, go shopping with gift cards, eat unhealthy meals, and perhaps, if you’re good, you’ll have the opportunity to frolic in Weth’s Prize Closet and take home some of Weth’s precious loot.
Enter contest 22